Thursday, February 20, 2014

Stuff That Will and Will Not Make You Gay

You know, sometimes people surprise me. Actually, mostly people surprise me. If you start to look at people, really look at them, you can become filled with wonder at the infinite variety and absolutely gorgeousness of them all. Recently my daughter and I were speed-walking through the Atlanta airport,  and my daughter growled, "Getting-sick-of-so-many-people," because it was rather late and we were rather tired in the same way that Olympic athletes are rather fit, and I, who had been mesmerized by the self-same crowd, said, "But look at them. Every one so beautiful." (My daughter responded, "Getting kind of deep," in a way that made it absolutely clear she intended the double meaning, but whatever. I meant what I said, too.)

Aometimes people surprise me by not being who I expect them to be. Take my post on Bert and Ernie's upcoming nuptials. People I didn't even realize read my blog, or really even remembered my name, hit "like" on Facebook, and a few of them were not people I expected to like my post.

And then I read other stuff posted on Facebook, also by people I know, that I wouldn't necessarily think are cretins until I read what they posted on Facebook. And then I get the urge to rant.

So. Can we please all do the following thought experiment? If you are straight, imagine you are gay. If you are gay, imagine you are straight. Imagine looking at someone who you care about very much, who you like and respect and enjoy spending time around, but have never felt the slightest iota of sexual attraction toward, because of their gender, and now imagine that you do feel that attraction. Go ahead. Try hard.

Did you feel it?

Me either.

And so I present my list: Stuff that Will and Will Not Make you Gay

What Will Make You Gay:
1. Receiving certain hormones in-utero.
2. That's pretty much it.

What Will Not Make You Gay:
1. Reading about the existence of gay people.
2. Knowing gay people.
3. Failing to hate gay people.
4. Intensively praying to God to make you gay.
5. Being around gay people.
6. Having a gay person as a parent.
7. Having a gay person as a brother, sister, child, grandparent, aunt, uncle, nephew, niece, or friend.
8. Having a gay person as your accountant, grocer, physician, lawyer, postal employee, or pastor.
9. Having a gay person in your Scout troop.
10. Having a gay person on your rec team.
11. Having a gay person on your professional team.
12. Being sexually abused. (This might make you a hot mess, but it won't make you gay.)
13. Being sexually promiscuous. (Ditto.)
14. Being celibate. (Note: this also doesn't make you not gay.)
15. Loving people, whether or not they are gay.
16. Hating people, whether or not they are gay. (Again: also won't make you not gay.)

Please. Quit being afraid.