Thursday, October 23, 2014

I Have Trolled the Internet So You Don't Have To

I've been sitting down at my computer for 15 minutes so far. I've checked my email, sent off a couple of short replies, and looked at Facebook and Twitter.  (I hope I'm saying all that correctly. According to my children, and to all the teenagers with whom they've regaled this story, my phrase, "the cloud," as in, "I'm saving my new novel on the cloud," is so dorky and old-fashioned that I might as well be wearing a corset and bloomers. I'm just hilarious, or so they say.)

Anyway, in my 11 minutes of random internet perusal (subtracting 4 minutes spent on email), I have learned the following:

1. Smelling farts can prevent cancer. This is because sulfur compounds help preserve mitochondria.
2. If that's true, I'm like a little angel of life, and my family should appreciate me more.
3. A snarkier post says that smelling farts does not prevent cancer, geez, people oversimplify science.
4. Hitler was apparently a prodigious farter, so much so that it was widely known in the Reich that you should never stand directly behind him. Also, his confidants nicknamed him "Gas Mustard Breath."
5. No, I am not making #4 up. Nor am I making up that in an attempt to improve his digestive health he apparently ate the feces of strapping healthy German soldiers, which the more you think about it is so weird it couldn't be invented, at least not by me.
6. Also, Hitler was addicted to both heroin and crystal meth. Apparently crystal meth was quite the thing in Germany during WW2.
7. People who publish books can also be maniacally weird. There's an essay going around in which a writer describes in astonishing detail how she stalked a woman who dared to give hernovel a bad review. On Amazon.
8. Another essay about that essay says, "There's no industry that combines ego and economics like book publishing."
9. If so, Governor Andrew Cuomo's ego has taken a bit of a beating. In its first week out, his book has reportedly sold 948 copies. Honestly, I do better than that. However, he reportedly got an advance of $700,000, which I do worse than, so he's probably just fine about it. Except of course that Hilary Clinton's first week book sales were 85,000. Copies, not dollars.
10. It is possible, according to a You Tube video, to fill the ice dispenser of your refrigerator with candy, so that it dispenses candy instead of ice. I don't know why you'd do this. It seems easier to put the candy in a bowl. Plus, then you'd also have ice cubes.
11. My friend Jenn posts the worst jokes in the world.
12. I have several friends named Jenn. (Jennifer/Jenn/Jenny was a very popular name from my birth year.) If you're a Jenn and you're wondering if I mean you, I don't. She knows who she is.

13. And finally, my friend C sent me a link of 10 Things Food Banks Need and Won't Ask For. It's quite good. So, here they are:

Feminine Products
Canned Meats or Jerky
Crackers and Tortillas
Baby Toiletries
Soup Packets
Canned Fruit (besides pineapple)

14. Of those, I'll explain that tortillas and crackers are like bread but have a stable shelf-life. Fruit is something we almost never get, but people actually like.  (Unlike, say, canned peas.) Chocolate is because EVERYONE needs chocolate sometimes. And my number 1 favorite donation is actually feminine hygiene products. I've beat this drum before, but I'll do it again: you can't buy tampons with food stamps. Can you imagine not being able to afford them?

15. Lack of feminine hygiene products is also a huge problem in the developing world--in fact, it's the leading reason why teenage girls miss school: they're menstruating and have to stay home where they can drip. If you're moved to do something about this, I suggest looking into AFRIpads, Diva cup, or Softcup, all of which are good options.

16. My guess is that very few blog posts start with farts and end with menstruation. You're welcome. Have a nice day.